okay...i've decided.
i've spent the past month or so (since i bought this computer from ernie) sort of...holding back. those who know me and who know my diary have noticed this. and i hate it. i hate not writing exactly what i feel and masking things in vague metaphors or just general vagueness period. so i'm done with it...i'm not going to do it anymore. well...i'll still be vague, because i don't like to write the exact details of certain things on the internet...but you know me.....some things are only vague to the people they're not intended for. but i am going to be more open...in my own way.
whoever is unfortunate enough to stumble upon this can read whatever they like. and if you don't like it...then don't read it. i'm also not going to go trapsing around the internet keeping tabs on all the minions.......i just say...you live in your worlds, and i'll live in mine. if they happen to intertwine at some point, and that's enjoyable, then that's a good thing. if not...fucks to it.
and this is not in direct response to anything in particular, it's just that i've been feeling this way for quite some time and i don't know why i wouldn't do anything about it or why i've been so scared to write everything... maybe it's just because i don't want to annoy people by saying the same things over and over again... but i can't help it.
i like my life... i like where i am... and for once...finally...i like who i am.
i do worry, though, that my constant reiteration of these points (mostly said to uphold myself...not to boast) is going to alienate people, and i don't want to do that...so i guess i've just been scared. plus, i haven't wanted to give a few certain choice people any sense of the "upper hand" on me, which is childish and stupid i'll admit...but find me one of you who can't say you might feel a teensy bit the same in my current situation (which i have not and will not write about...sorry). so it's really a moot point, isn't it.
heh...moot.
I WANNA TELL HER THAT I LOVE HER BUT THE POINT IS PROBABLY MOOT
heheheh...jessie's girl. i remember walking to chris p's house with kimmie a couple of years ago and leaving a note on his door, where she'd used the word "moot," and i didn't actually think it was a real word. so she looked it up in the dictionary and wrote down the spelling and meaning and gave it to me. i miss kimmie. but i don't think she's too keen on hanging out with me these days. prolly cos i don't keep in touch with her, really. and when i do, it seems like we're worlds and worlds apart. i guess that's okay, though.
i have surprisingly few regrets at this point. there's one in particular i've been dealing with...and even then it isn't a case of full-on, wish-it-never-happened regret....it's more sort of....wondering. wondering if what i did hurt that person. and if i messed it up beyond repair. but from the way the past few months have been going, it seems that things have definitely been repaired, perhaps not completely, but enough to function happily. and that makes me feel better.
there's fucking hope for me yet.
ernie's asleep on the futon right now, we had food and watched a movie and now i'm on here checking some things and he's snoring. Guy Upstairs is making his usual annoying noises that will probably continue most of the nite. i don't know when the guy ever sleeps.
but as for myself....sleep is sounding mighty fine. i'm sort of drifting in and out right now......so i must go kick ernie off my couch. honey, i love you...but you need your bed, and i need mine.
sweet dreams
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"look at me, my depth perception must be off again / cos this hurts deeper than i thought it did"
