once again...........this time with feeling..........man i really don't wanna do my laundry.
i don't know what it is about it. why i have such an inherent loathing for all that is laundry. why i must procrastinate in doing said laundry to the point where i run out of clean underwear. and instead of doing laundry in order to have clean underwear...........just go to work without underwear on.
*bing* problem solved!
that is of course until i show up to work naked.
wait that was just a dream.... just a dream....
anywho.
i've neglected the diaryland as of late...why, i can't really say. it's not that i have an absolute lack of things to write about....i guess it's that i've had an absolute lack of desire to write about them. sometimes the words are bubbling up inside me until i feel like they're going to come shooting out of every orafice i have (believe me...EVERY orafice), and other times.....i just feel nothing. right now is kind of half-and-half so i think i owe it to myself to at least try.
let's see...
a couple of nites ago dave and i had this.........thing. wasn't really a fight. nor an argument really. we'll call it..........a difference in perceptions of a certain occasion. ahaha. but yeah....we're just laying in bed at like two in the morning (after he'd spent all evening after we got home not talking to me) and i did the ABSOLUTE WRONG THING and asked what was the matter. which was returned by sarcasm. meanness. downright shittiness. and stuff that didn't make sense. especially at two in the morning. so what did i do? i did what any independent, strong-willed girl does in that situation. i started crying.
okay not in full-on heartwrenching sobs or anything......but enough. it was a dribble. a dribbling cry. which sounds gross.
maybe it was just how tired i was or the way he was saying things....i dunno but it just sort of welled up inside until it choked me... how i always want to be so good for him... how i'm afraid that i'm going to slip up and he's going to magically stop liking me... completely unrealistic fears because you know me....if i have nothing to be scared of --- i'll create something.
i mean it is scary though... you give so much of yourself and show so much of yourself to someone else and it's sort of like handing them the sword to hold over your head. well not only handing it to them.....but forging and shaping the sword yourself. and deep inside you know that they'd never use that sword against you, and that they'd never intentionally hurt you...but it's still right there in their hands... and when you're someone like me, who barely trusts themselves much less anyone else, it's easy to revert back into i-trust-no-one mode and get really scared and paranoid.
i trust him more than i've ever trusted anyone. more than i trust myself sometimes, even. but i guess i still have this fear... and it's stupid because i have been completely honest with him and let him in more than anyone else...let him see deeper inside me than anyone else ever has... and yet i still get scared that if he were to dig deeper (is that possible??? i'm neurotic), he'd see what i'm "really" like (more neuroses) and he'd go away from me. and the deeper i let him in the bigger that fear grows. but it's something that comes with the territory, i suppose... i'm happy with him... and i'm secure in our relationship... it's these final shreds of the past however many years that i keep clinging to...but thankfully with an ever-loosening grip.
and we ended up talking for almost two hours yesterday on my lunch break. luckily we had next to NO work, so i didn't get in trouble...in fact i got out about fifteen minutes early. these next few checks are gonna suck some large amounts of ass. and there's a possibility of me getting laid off soon.
nevermind the year and a half straight i've been working.....off with her!!
i really should be doing some laundry. but for some reason a shower and a double quarter pounder sounds much more appealing. mmm.......mcnice.
did i mention that we had a bat-free band practice? one that rocked the very socks from my feet? and as a special bonus prize jimmy and i got to talk for a while when he took me home and it was frickin wonderful. i honestly love jimmy....he's so sweet and awesome and has so much to offer this putrid undeserviing planet. heheh.....you hear me ladies? you're not good enough for him. hopefully things will go well with this new prospect of his. if not, so be it. if she treats him bad.........she's got a lotta people to deal with. including a fiery little bitch weilding a bass guitar and extremely large boots.
be that as it may..........laundry.
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"aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh WHAT A WOOKIE!!!"
