i don't live my life with many regrets these days. but there is one that i have yet to shake.
if there was one thing that i could go back and change, it would be the way i treated you... the way i made you feel... because i was too busy being self-indulgent and sulky... too wrapped up in the ideas and the thoughts and the overanalyzing...
i never wanted to hurt you.
but i always knew that i would, simply because i was physically and emotionally incapable of opening myself up to the feelings attached to you. the warmth. the intelligent conversations. they were too much at the time...and i couldn't be fair to you and i still, to this day, feel terrible for it. because i was completely willing to listen to you, and to comprehend the things you were saying to me, to embrace the light you carefully brought to me.....but i was determined to ruin it because i couldn't handle the obligation.
not an excuse.
just fact.
shitty fact.
i let my jealousy and immaturity fuck up what could have been a wonderful and fulfilling friendship. and i still look back on all of it warmly, and am honestly amazed that you still continue to talk to me when you can... that you still approach me in a civil manner... despite what i'm sure you've been hearing for the past however-many months...
...i can't thank you enough for still existing. no matter how few and far between the conversations are.
i wish i could talk to you about so many things, to have a deeper interaction than just the occasional hey-hello-quick-catch-up-here's-how-the-band's-doing-how-are-you...
but yeah...
i'm not nearly as articulate as you.
and i doubt you'll ever see this.
but i know.......that this is the main regret i cling to. i regret that i hurt you. i'm so, so sorry that i hurt you. it was a long time ago........and even with that said....
.....i still wish i could take it back.
