*siiiiiiiiiigh*.
i've been listening to too much nirvana.
well. hm. hi.
the whole layoff thing is still up in the air. supposedly i am getting laid off, it's just a question of when. preferably uh....before i have the baby. there was a meeting of some kind at the beginning of the month where honcho guy basically required tyra to post the position that lara is already filling right now so she can be officially hired for it. aka--jump thru a bunch of fucking hoops. what sucked about this setup is that it opened the position up for whoever wants it...anyone can apply for it. thankfully there's a pretty rigid typing test that has to be passed to even be considered for the job, one that a lot of people in the lab are honestly not fast enough to pass. the posting ended today, and also thankfully there were only two people who applied for it --- one of which being lara. it just wouldn't make sense for anyone besides her to get hired.....yet she's still freaking out and complaining that "her luck" will prevail and she'll end up getting screwed, bla bla.
she's a nice girl, really. we get along well. the only thing that bothers me about her in the slightest is that she's so damned negative. maybe that sounds funny coming from me of all people, i dunno... i just have a really hard time dealing with people who spend 3/4s of their time complaining about how awful their lives are and how everything in this world sucks and everything's out to get them....i get so bored with it. she's not like that all the time. she just has her moments, like we all do.
she's a capricorn, imagine that.
but anyway...only one other person applied for it. tyra will start interviewing monday probably. and once lara's officially hired, i can teach her how to do po's and then i'm done. tyra's keeping the tens another week....so i've got another two weeks at the least. hopefully. seriously hoping she doesn't make me stay till the middle of february. i've been missing so much work already for various doctor's appointments and hospital visits and such. i have another thing at the hospital tuesday. weeeeeeee hospital.
so fucking blah lately. i think i'm just getting tired of being pregnant. heheh. which has nothing to do with the baby himself, of course, just the actual state of pregnancy i'm in. i'm in that never-ever-ever-comfortable phase, the one where no position whatsoever is comfortable for more than three seconds. doesn't matter what it is...sitting, standing, lying down...all uncomfortable as hell. the baby is heavy now. he feels like this giant lump in my midsection, and he likes to lie on the right side of my stomach, so i constantly feel lopsided. sleep is getting harder and harder....guess that's what happens when there's a little person writhing around inside of you all nite long.
it's all just very tiring....seems selfish, but i miss my old clothes, i miss my old body. i get embarrassed that i even feel these things, so i never say anything, and it just compounds itself until i'm left here listening to too much nirvana and unable to speak even if i wanted to. lulled into blankness. i don't feel very pretty. i hate myself for even giving a shit about that. well...i guess it varies. sometimes i can look at myself in the mirror, see my giant belly, and smile because i think it's lovely....sometimes i really do feel lovely and blessed and happy and sometimes i look at myself and think that the pregnant body is a beautiful thing... other times......i just feel gigantic and undesirable.
every time i go to the doctor she reminds me not to freak out if there's a little spotting after intercourse.
and i'm like "what is this intercourse you speak of".
all this seems so incredibly shallow and stupid....i can't help it. i don't even know why i let it bother me, considering if by some weird twist of fate we do start fooling around, the intercourse itself hurts quite a bit at this stage of pregnancy....but i endure it....to feel wanted i suppose....which is so fucking stupid....
i guess it's just disheartening to me....that i don't get a whole lot of positive reinforcement from him. i never considered myself someone who needed that constant reinforcement, and i tell myself that it's only because of the hormones raging thru my body right now... what blows even more is that i've told him about this... and how it would help a lot if he'd just...i dunno....say something every now and then... and i can't help resenting him for getting so mad at me at the very beginning of this pregnancy... when i was still so nauseous all the time i could barely stand... and sleeping all the time... and he got so mad at me for not exactly "being in the mood"... i mean he was actually angry at me for it... and now, when i'm feeling at my worst ego-wise, he has the nerve to tell me that he just hasn't "been in the mood". which is real fucking fair. then even says that it's because i'm so big now... don't get me wrong, i know it's not because i'm physically so big --- it's because he's literally terrified of hurting the baby. i mean....if i lean up against him really closely while we're sleeping, he'll move away. because he thinks he's going to lean back and squish the baby. when he touches my stomach to feel the baby, he refuses to push even a little bit....he's scared he's going to poke the baby too hard and hurt him. nothing i say makes him feel any differently. nothing the doctor says makes him feel any differently. even when he watches the doctor pushing and shoving on the baby to feel how he's positioned inside of me....i mean, a few days ago she was pushing around really really hard to find the baby's head for christ's sake...
........i dunno. i should shut up. it's all just stupid complaining and i don't want anyone to think that all of this means i'm not happy about the baby... or that i don't love him... cos he's the most wonderful and coolest little thing in the world... i'm fascinated by him... and i'm so frickin ready to see him it's not even funny... it's just.......*sigh*.....i'm so sick of being pregnant.
i just want myself back.
i want dave to look at me the way he used to and i want to fit in my old clothes and i want to be able to walk around without waddling and everything hurting and i want to eat whatever i want to eat and i want to smoke a goddamned cigarette or have a drink with my dinner if i want to and i want to dress him in his little clothes that are all packed away in his room and i want to take him places and read to him and feel his skin and watch him move and just........man, i wanna be skinny again, too.
ohhhhhhh well.
about six more weeks, eh? i can do this.
*sigh*...
