at the request of mr. plume, here are a few more pictures... they are huge, but it's my kid............deal with it >:)
thass mah boy.
week two of being a mommy, and i think i'm starting to get the hang of it. the first five days or so were really rough. i had a lot of postpartum depression stuff going on, which i had never put much stock in before it actually happened. today and the two days before this were the first days since he was born that i didn't cry. it would just come out of nowhere, all of this anxiety, and i'd start crying. my poor mum has had to deal with most of it. but she's been really cool and comes over just about every day...sunday was the only day she's missed since julian was born.
i was really crampy the entire day before i had him, it felt like period cramps. then around two in the morning the pain became more concentrated and regular...still not very bad but just uncomfortable. dave came home from work and i got in the shower to try to ease the crampiness....i turned the shower on and just laid down in the tub with the water running over my stomach....haha. the sound of it...and the warmth...really did help me relax a lot.
i held off on calling the doctor until like....3:30 in the morning. i didn't want to call her and wake her up if it was nothing, haha...silly i know but i was really worried about getting her out of bed for no reason... but my contractions had been pretty regular for over an hour by that point so i figured i should let her know... and she told me to go to the hospital and have them check me...
we got to the hospital a little after four in the morning. they weighed me and made me change into one of the oh-so-flattering robes and then did the oh-so-wonderful cervix check... hooked me up to the monitors... which i hate because they make you so sweaty where the bands are rubbing against your back... i was only dilated 3 1/2 centimeters, which was 2 centimeters more than i'd been at the doctor's office the previous day, and my contractions didn't get any closer than 5-7 minutes apart... they made me lie there for two hours to see if i'd progress... while i was laying there trying not to fall asleep this other girl came in and they put her in the bed next to me... we were separated by a curtain but of course we could hear everything that was going on with her... her due date was the day after mine... and she was only dilated 1/2 a centimeter or something... but to listen to her you'd think she was in heavy labor or something... she kept groaning and making all this commotion... kept making this stupid "oof" noise... she was pissing me off... cos i was just laying there... trying to breathe thru contractions... being very still and quiet... and she was hardly in labor at all and making all this ruckus... i dunno... i was just annoyed by it...
finally the nurse came back and checked my cervix again... still 3 1/2... contractions still not getting any closer... so she had me get up and walk around the halls for a while to see if it would help me dilate. dave and i wandered around for a while... i called my mum to tell her where i was and let her know i wasn't sure if they were going to keep me or not... my mum had this horrible cold... a fever... was coughing... head completely stopped up... she sounded awful... and she felt awful... so it was really bad timing but i didn't exactly have a choice... i told her i'd call her back if anything else happened and went back to the monitors... after all the walking, i still hadn't dilated any further so they sent me home... it was a little after 8 am...
dave and i had both been up all day and all nite and i was starving... so we decided to go home and try to sleep for a little while, then i was going to get up and eat a little something. well....it didn't exactly work out that way...
we went home and got into bed... the contractions were hurting a lot more by that point so it was really hard to get to sleep... i probably slept maybe 15 minutes straight... the rest of the time i was trying to get comfortable... clutching this body pillow i had underneath my belly... at about 9:45 my water broke...which was the strangest...feeling...evarrr... the contraction started, and then all of a sudden there was this gush of liquid... i thought i was peeing myself... so i sort of clenched up... but it kept coming... it felt awful... just gushed... and the contraction peaked right afterwards so there i was kind of rolling on the body pillow going "ohhhhhhhh god" over and over again... dave woke up when i started groaning...
i got up and went to the bathroom to try to clean myself up... i told dave to call my mum... she was zonked out on cold pills and sleeping when he called...she was so out of it she told him to call her back!! meanwhile i'm in the bathroom contracting whilst on the toilet... haha... which is horrible... i stood up when i was done and had another contraction that i could barely stand up thru... i had to hold on to the side of the sink... and dave's telling me my mum said to call her back... so i'm like, "what the fuck??? then call her back!! doesn't she get it that i'm gonna have the baby?!?" haha...
we went back to the hospital... the whole drive there was torturous... the contractions were much stronger... and getting harder to breathe thru... by the time we got there i felt like i could hardly walk... so dave dropped me off at the front of the hospital so i could sit in a wheelchair while he parked the car. i walked into the front part of the hospital and there were people standing there...but no one said a word to me... my ass was soaking wet and i hadn't even put shoes on...just my big fuzzy slippers...cos i hadn't wanted to bend over to put shoes on when we left...haha... i had to stop this lady who was walking by really quickly and ask her to open up a wheelchair for me, cos i couldn't get it to open... and then i just sat there in the wheelchair for what felt like forever... dave finally came in... and wheeled me up to the fourth floor...
after that, things seemed to go quickly but yet slowly at the same time... my mum got there... dave's dad got there... i had to get hooked back up to the monitors and have an iv stuck into my hand...which i hated. the contractions were getting really intense then... to the point where i couldn't really focus on anything but the pain when i was having one... the birthing rooms there have cd players in them, so i had dave put in some in fl@mes for me... which made me feel better...
i was between 5 and 6 centimeters by then and in a LOT of pain... when the contractions would peak i would squirm around and curl my toes and it was just...awful. i couldn't feel anything but pain... i couldn't focus on anything else... my mum kept talking to me and i kept telling her to shut up...haha...i didn't mean to... it was around then that they started asking me what i wanted for pain, and i had said time and time again beforehand that i wanted to try to go without an epidural... but by that point, i knew for a fact that there was no way i was going to make it thru without something... and not just narcotics... so i said i wanted an epidural... i gave in...hahaha...
but it turned out to be something i'm really glad i did... the anesthesiologist who put my epidural in was english or something... or maybe irish... he had this weird accent... but he was so sweet and accomodating... dave was going to leave the room when he put the epidural in because he hates needles... but the guy made him stay with me, haha... the worst part about the epidural was just that you have to be sitting up when it's put in... which isn't exactly comfy when you're having heavy contractions like that... they let me prop myself up on the tray table with a pillow and i kept burying my face in the pillow and groaning... haha... dave was standing in front of me and i was holding onto his shirt...
but... eventually... the epidural kicked in... and i'm sooooo glad i had it... cos it made the pain soooooo much more manageable... mean it made it just so they felt like heavy period cramps again... i could breathe thru them and focus on what i was doing... soooo glad i had an epidural... it helped me so much... big fan of the epidural now...
by this time dave and my mum and dave's dad were starving, so they left me to try to rest for a while and went to the cafeteria. i had 0peth on so i was happy and just laid there in my bed by myself and tried to relax... and right in time with the end of the cd........the pressure started. HORRIBLE pressure. i mean like a bowling ball is trying to shove itself out of your asshole. yes that is what it feels like. i promise. that uh.......that sucked a lot. once that started, i sort of turned over on my side and started groaning again... the nurse came in and checked my cervix again......lo and behold i was at 8 centimeters... and it was time to push.
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
i pushed thru one contraction with just the nurse, then she went to find my family just as they were coming back from the cafeteria...
the pushing lasted over two hours. it was awful. my right leg was completely numb from the epidural, so dave would have to pull my leg up and down for me with every contraction. which was also pissing me off, because my contractions never got closer than three minutes apart... so it would be like PUSSSSSHHHHHH...............then wait. pushhhhhhhhhhhh..........then wait. awful. i was grunting and yelling and crying and all of that. they even put a mirror up so i could see what was going on. which also pissed me off. cos i felt like i wasn't getting anywhere... i'd push and push and push...and i could see his head inching forward... then i'd stop pushing and it would go right back up there. i was getting really discouraged, and nothing anyone said made me any less angry, haha... my poor mum... every time she said ANYTHING i told her to shut up... i couldn't help it...
eventually...once the whole thing was getting closer to being over...and his head was about halfway out... the doctors (there were two...my doctor and the floor doctor) realized that the baby's head wasn't facing downward as it should have been... noooooooo instead his ear was facing down. so his head was turned sideways. which wasn't helping me with the whole getting-him-out-of-me thing. so the doctors both were trying to turn his head and by the end i was yelling at them to just pull him out of me already... haha...
toward the end was the best and the worst... the worst because i started to panic... so i couldn't get my breath between contractions and i was too busy crying and yelling for them to get him out of me to focus on what i was supposed to be doing...
but it was the best because that feeling... when his head was finally out... that release of pressure... and hearing them suck out his nose and his mouth...gross as it seems it was lovely to hear... because it was almost over... (i did have an episiotomy...because his head was just too damn big for me...i mean sheesh he was eight pounds for chrissakes!!)
but yeah... after his head was out there was just one push left... and out he came... and they put him up on my chest in all his slimy purple glory, haha... and the first thing i said was "hi" to him... followed quickly by "oh my god, he's huge"... heheh...
it was the hardest thing to do... and i'm still recovering, obviously... but it was totally worth it... to get to hold him now... and touch his little fingers and his little toes... and to see his eyes look up at me... to feed him and change him and just to be with him... to take care of him... it's the most wonderful thing in the world... it's the hardest and most nerve-wracking and tiring and physically and emotionally draining thing in the world... but it's also the best thing in the world... because he's absolutely perfect... he's beautiful... and he's my son... i keep talking to him when i'm up with him at nite... we have a cuddle position... where i sort of prop him up against the pillow on the arm of the couch and curl up with a blanket around both of us... and he just looks up at me with his eyes that are just like his daddy's... and i sit there and talk to him... and tell him that i'll always love him... and whatever he needs i'll always give to him... he'll always be my little boy... those kind of cheesy things...
he's been asleep for quite some time now... about 3 hours... i should have been napping this entire time but i wanted to get caught up on the computer stuff... since i probably won't be able to get back on till who knows when...
anyway... sorry i wrote so much... i tried not to get too graphic... believe me there's a LOT of gory stuff that i left out fer yer viewin pleazure...
julian is waking up now... so i'm gonna go be mommy................
ps.....breastfeeding is weird
