blargh, i'm tired.
i'm tired of fighting, i'm tired of feeling bad. and i'm tired of being tired.
julian is tired too, he's sleeping in his swing. that damned music gets stuck in my head and makes me nuts sometimes. i have the progression of the little nursery songs it plays memorized. that's uh........yeah. julian's finally in the misfits onesie that his aunt kathy sent for him. it was originally way too big but now he fills it out quite nicely.
fatso baby!
he does have the buddha belly.
ernie and chris came by earlier today, whilst i was attempting to write in my valentine notebook, so i had to stop in midthought and i don't think i've recovered yet. i get in a certain mood where i want to write and when that's cut off in the middle it's like turning off a song before it's over...it ends up stuck in my head the rest of the day.
i feel weird.
i feel tense.
and yet i also feel incredibly relaxed. maybe it's because the weather is so pretty today. it would be even better if i had clothes that fit me correctly.....lord, this is getting annoying. too big for my pre-pregnant clothes (i.e. pants), too small for my immediately post-pregnant clothes. farking hell, eh?
if only there was no such thing as money. i think we should all go looting in the streets. it's not fair. why is it that only some people get to have what they need when there is plenty for everyone?
i'm not talking about wealth. i'm talking about the basics. food. water. shelter. clothing.
bla bla though.
i'm not sure what's going on with dave today... he left around noon and was gone for four hours with no explanation whatsoever. he's been feeling sick so when he came home he had some cold-eez and then went for a walk a minute ago. he keeps acting like... i dunno... just strange. it would, of course, be nice to think that maybe he was out doing something for me for mother's day tomorrow, but that is horribly presumptuous, don't you think? ah well. he acted like i was doing julian some great disservice by letting him sleep in his swing instead of taking him out for a walk as soon as daddy got home. ohhhhhhhhhh well.
i still owe the hospital an awful lot of money. i had to call them yesterday to set up some payments. cos i just don't have two grand, peoples. if i hadn't fucked up...this wouldn't be an issue and we'd be done by now. but because i'm a fucking procrastinating idiot sometimes......here we are. oh well, it's only money.
good luck telling dave that.
i'm so sick of feeling tears welling up. i'm so sick of the headache i get after sobbing. and the way my eyes sting the rest of the day. the way i'm so spaced out i can barely think or speak or eat or really do much of anything afterwards. i'm sick of crying. i'm sick of hurting. i'm sick of being made to feel like i don't care about anything and i'm an immature little child because i don't get all bent out of shape over the bills. just because i don't freak the fuck out as soon as something unexpected happens, that doesn't make me a bad person. that doesn't mean i'm indifferent. it means i'm fucking rational, is all.
i threw the sleeper on the floor and i yelled the other nite............i had never yelled at him before.
now we're in that awkward "are-you-still-mad" phase and he's convinced that i'm mad when i'm not mad, he's convinced that i'm sad when i'm not sad. i'm just hurt. i'm getting over it. i'm tired of it. but i'm getting over it.
years ago this type of stress and emotional unrest would have me in bed for days. writing horrible poetry. etc.
but i think i've grown up quite a bit since then. in fact, i know i have grown up quite a bit. now things are different. now you just have to keep going. there's no whining and self-pitying. there's only take-care-of-the-marriage....take-care-of-the-baby. no room for stupid pissing and moaning. just keep going. keep plodding along. things will look up eventually. it's a hard shock on a couple to have a baby. it's emotionally challenging for both of us. but it doesn't always have to be this way, and it won't always be this way.
98% of couples report feeling less satisfied with their marriages after the birth of a child.
you know why?
COS YOU NEVER HAVE TIME TO HAVE SEX.
hahahahaa....
