shoowee..
dave took julian on a car ride to the (w)algreens in search of allergy medicine, so i have a few minutes to myself.
today was my father-in-law's 77th birthday, and he spent it fucking around with our front door. it's next to impossible to close all the way, so he and dave took it off the hinges and hauled it off to the garage so clarence could work his magic. after that he put a deadbolt on for us. julian didn't like the sound of the drill, so every time it was being used he'd hop up on the couch and hide his head behind one of the pillows. i was insanely tired all day, so while all this tomfoolery was going on i basically sat dead on the couch like a big pregnant log. eventually i managed to go to the johnny's and get us some food....which was soooooooooooo good. i still have leftovers. and cannoli. oh fuck yes.
but yeah...dave said it makes his dad feel good to still be able to do things like that for us, and i agree, so i really don't mind when he comes over here and tinkers with stuff around the house. i'm glad he likes to do that stuff for us. i appreciate everything he does for us way more than i think he thinks i do. i guess i'm just really bad about showing...i don't know...affection for him. like, physically. it's weird. i'm weird. i hardly ever touch my own mother, so it's not like it's just him. my mum complains about it sometimes, especially now that we're all wondering what gender this baby is and taking bets either way... she'll say things like "maybe it'll be a girl, and when she grows up she'll never want you to touch her again."
i don't know what to say to that.
i'm just weird. i don't know. i've never known.
shawn just emailed me on the myspazz. i always end up being way too sarcastic around him, and i know he doesn't read it the way i intend it...he takes me seriously. i know i do it because i'm so damn self-conscious around him...i'm so fuckin nervous that i'm going to say "fuck" too many times or say something that i don't find particularly offensive, but that he finds horribly offensive, and he won't want to talk to me ever again. plus, he jokes around about me "converting" his son to the dark side by implanting the soad seed, and he says he doesn't "blame" me for the weirdness that's ensued with zak since then, but i do get the impression that a small part of him does blame me for it... okay maybe he doesn't blame me, but i don't think he sees me as the....best of influences on zak. that's part of what makes me so self-conscious around him, i guess. he and his wife are so much different than me and dave, and by "so much different" i mean..............religious.
i have no problem with religious people. whatever floats your boat. go back in this diary (or any of the previous ones) far enough and you'll find me, still believing my little brains out. and even then, i was still sort of awkward around the more christian-y christians. i will admit it was a little easier then, because i was more used to it from being at church every week. but now that the church and god and christianity days are far behind me, my point of reference is absolutely gone and there i am spouting my carnal sinner mouth off around whoever. and the only....repeat...ONLY reason it matters to me in this situation...is because i like, love, and respect these people, and do not want to offend them, or turn their children in to hellions, or any of that crap. i honestly only worry about what i say and how i come off around them because i like them, and because shawn's been dave's best friend since forever, and most of all...while i may not believe the same things that they believe, i RESPECT them, and their right to believe it. so yeah. i'm hoping that gets easier over the years. providing i don't get that "stay away from me and my wife and my children" email. haha.
feeling the baby squirming. it's still in the creepy-crawly stage, so that's an odd sensation. like something moving just under your skin. dave was able to feel a little flicker of movement today...only by me pressing his hand up against there pretty hard. i swear, it doesn't matter what has happened so far.....financially, professionally, etc.....i just cannot be anything but elated over having this kid. i'm like insanely happy about it. it's the strangest fucking thing. nothing has ever made me feel this calm and content, nothing except for meeting my husband and my first pregnancy. so that's uh....that's a good sign to me.
lets me know i'm going in the right direction.
lets me know that whole "follow your instincts" thing i've clung to for my entire life wasn't a complete and total crock of shite.
that's good when your life's philosophy doesn't end up screwing you in the ass. that's what i always say. it's good to not get screwed in the ass. (unless you're into that kind of thing, of course.)
so yeah. band practice tomorrow. maybe i'll regain some energy in time to squeak out a few songs. oh wait, we'd all have to show up for that to happen, wouldn't we!
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"stealing what stealthy / and stellar / until we get it right"
