i'm tired. all the strain of the last few days melded with lack of sleep and closed in around me. you know, thinking and fighting and getting kicked and making mental lists and taking a two year old to the potty and eating enough and taking vitamins and everything else i'm too tired to think of, and i'm left feeling a bit...dead. i know i'm the bright shining beacon of the world these days, but that doesn't mean my bulb never burns out.
work didn't help today, there was nothing. so nothing to keep me awake and focused. there are still tons of things to be done at home, and i have no energy to do them but i had better find it somewhere. i don't know if it's just pregnancy hormones raging thru my insides, or traces of the old me building up against my bones...i'd like to think hormones. but i do need a break from being happy smiling supportive loving wife and patient doting potty training dr. seuss reading mommy sometimes. this is my moment to crumple myself up into an indecipherable wad, then straighten myself out again and get on with it, i guess...
everyone can't be themselves all the time.
i can never be one thing all the time.
the baby's kicking me, he's been much more active today and yesterday than usual. having someone kick you every day, all day, from the inside, will definitely tire you out. i adore him so much already, he's like my little secret companion who only speaks to me. it's not taking anything away from julian to feel that way about him. months and months away from jonah's birth, i already understand how to love both of my children equally.
but that doesn't mean i don't feel like curling up into a ball and disappearing.
ten minutes. just give me ten minutes where i'm nothing to anyone. maybe that's why i take such long bathroom breaks. :)
isn't it overwhelming to think of all you are to everyone?
wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, aunt, niece, cousin, granddaughter, friend, co-worker, bandmate, acquaintance, random weirdo with a guitar purse, etc etc on and on.
the more you change the less you feel. i used to think that was true. but now i've changed and i feel everything, all the time.
the scar on my chin is showing now, because my face is filling out. the scar that came from a boy named patrick putting a stick thru the spoke of my bicycle wheel, sending me careening over the handlebars and my chin crunching into the pavement. my mum picked the little pieces of pavement out with tweezers, and then i always had the scar. i don't think i ever talked to that boy again, and he lived right next door.
i'm hungry.
now i've changed and i feel everything, all the time. that's why i need a breather sometimes, i suppose. stop. die. come back again. keep going. i want to live. don't want to die. i want to live. i want to try.
trying is all i can do, it's all i've been doing ever since i found reasons to. three scoops of reasons, with millions of cherries on top.
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"all is you / you are all"
