oh, fuck. i'm so fucking tired.
suck it up, fat girl. that's what you get for playing guitar hero with your mum until 11:30 last nite. you've still got to do massive amounts of dishes if you don't want your kitchen looking like a disgusting slime pit. and you know you have to do some laundry tonite, or you'll be wearing a gigantic hair-dye covered shirt to the big Company christmas party tomorrow like an enormous piece of white trash.
and quit talking to yourself, while you're at it.
maybe one day.......i'll get a new tree topper. hopefully like...before christmas eve.
i feel like a whale, or a manatee, or some other extremely large mammal. sleep is finally starting to get better, it's just managing to get a good amount of it that's the problem.
i read some old stuff tonite. it wasn't so bad that i wanted to race back in time and smack the shite out of myself, but i do know that i sure don't handle things the same ways as i used to anymore. i'd like to think today's methods are healthier, but maybe they're just so different there's no comparison. maybe i'm still every bit as self-defeating, just in new and improved ways. i dunno. i'd still rather not think so. i wonder how much of that is true, hopeful, go-get-em-tiger optimism or if it's all just self-delusion. a coping mechanism. is that it? have i not really changed, but instead just found different ways to cope? ways that make me feel better about myself in the end?
oh fucking well. isn't that what we're all doing anyway? coping? trying to feel better about ourselves? where's the line between consciously trying to change yourself for the better, and just fucking lying to yourself so you'll believe you're trying?
i'd hate to think that it's all just a big coping mechanism. i read the words i wrote.
the truest i could ever be is a lie
a lie glaring up from pages and pages of youth
is that really gone, or am i just doing everything i can to tell myself that it is?
i still hope for the best. i have to. it's not just me that depends on it anymore.
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"there is no perfect idea"
